Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
