My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
