while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
