can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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