Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
