why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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