I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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