TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
