Your face is a jimmy john
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
