I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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