How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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