Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
