nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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