i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
