i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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