New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
