There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he puts the penis in happiness.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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