you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
