just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?