Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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