i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
