my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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