My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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