I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
