Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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