Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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