I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
