Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
