dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
