I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
