he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
