sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
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she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
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The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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