The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
