I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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