Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
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My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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