I think I won the penis lottery.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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