I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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