My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
