my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
