Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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