she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
