I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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