you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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