It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
30+ People Share Their Worst ‘Intimate Experience’ And They’re Traumatizing
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense