I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911