I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
