Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
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Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
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He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?