I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
