Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Is it because I queefed?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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