I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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