last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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