Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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