hotel room ftw
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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