Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
