She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
