saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
