it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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